School Is Not That Important (& What IS Important) #524

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spk_0 Success in school is just not important for some kids.

spk_0 Performance in school is not a predictor of life success or happiness.

spk_0 I am not saying that to be provocative.

spk_0 I believe it is absolutely true.

spk_0 Some of your kids are never going to like or do well in school no matter what you do.

spk_0 They are going to choose the harder path, but they will still do well in life.

spk_0 And my purpose in this podcast is to help you to help you prevent spending 18 years with

spk_0 needless pressure and stress and power struggles over something that doesn't really matter

spk_0 in the end.

spk_0 Because if you do this, you can ruin your relationship with your child.

spk_0 You can destroy your child's confidence by constantly reinforcing what society says,

spk_0 which is, hey, you have two jobs as a kid.

spk_0 Get good grades and good behavior.

spk_0 And some of you have kids who will be 0 for 2 on that count and it will destroy their

spk_0 confidence.

spk_0 And no matter what you do, it just won't work.

spk_0 And I want to save you countless hours of worrying and talking, laying in bed with

spk_0 your spouse wondering, what are we going to do with this child?

spk_0 And I want to save you a lot of money on sending your kids to special schools or to get

spk_0 therapy or specialist in order to remedy this.

spk_0 Because sometimes you're trying to fix something that doesn't need to be fixed.

spk_0 And so I am going to address your legitimate concerns over this and give you an alternate

spk_0 plan and path for these kids who are just different.

spk_0 And remember, there's an opportunity cost to this because all the time we spend trying

spk_0 to get our kids to do well in school is time that we are not spent doing other things

spk_0 that are constructive.

spk_0 And I hope as well that this will fuel a discussion with your spouse about important

spk_0 topics.

spk_0 So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the call on parenting podcasts.

spk_0 Welcome.

spk_0 This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm.

spk_0 You can find us in our big fall sale at celebrate calm.

spk_0 So a couple Kaviyat's one.

spk_0 School and learning are different.

spk_0 I, you know, I'm not equating this with just saying like, oh, just let your kids be illiterate

spk_0 and not do math.

spk_0 Let them fail and just play video games all day.

spk_0 That's not what I'm saying.

spk_0 And we'll get into this.

spk_0 Learn, I want your kids to be curious and love to learn.

spk_0 But many of you have kids who are like that, but they just don't like school.

spk_0 Another Kaviyat, if you have an academic child who just really likes school or maybe

spk_0 a child who already knows, hey, I want to be a doctor, a teacher, an attorney, an engineer

spk_0 or something specific, that child will likely be self motivated to do well in school.

spk_0 So this doesn't apply to that child.

spk_0 I also, this is not about giving up and saying, up, they're never going to like it in school.

spk_0 So let's just forget it.

spk_0 No, I want to give kids tools to help them in school, listen to episode 518.

spk_0 It's a couple of weeks ago, September 14th on different ways to improve, improve, focus

spk_0 and executive function, which will help them do better in school.

spk_0 This is also not a knock against teachers.

spk_0 It's just simply the fact that the system we have does not usually work well for our kids.

spk_0 Now look, many of you have kids like ours, they're bright, they just don't care.

spk_0 They're bored in school.

spk_0 Some of your kids are late bloomers.

spk_0 Some of your kids kind of just see through it and they're like school is BS.

spk_0 It's asking me to do all kinds of arbitrary things.

spk_0 I will never have to do later in life and they won't just play the game.

spk_0 Some of you knew that.

spk_0 That it was arbitrary, but you did it, you just played the game to get the piece of paper.

spk_0 But many of our kids, they're just not going to do it.

spk_0 Some of you have kids with ADHD or dyslexia or dysgraphia or something that makes school

spk_0 really difficult.

spk_0 And so they just kind of opt out and think about this.

spk_0 If you or your spouse or both of you are very academic, like if you have your master's

spk_0 degree or a PhD or if you have a sibling, they have a sibling who's really into school,

spk_0 they will often opt out.

spk_0 They're not going to play on your playing field.

spk_0 Do you know why?

spk_0 Because they know they can never measure up to what they're sibling or what you do and

spk_0 what you expect.

spk_0 And so you'll see, strong will kids will excel elsewhere in a field of their choosing.

spk_0 That's why they choose different sports and different activities that you're not necessarily

spk_0 into so that they can own it themselves.

spk_0 And one of the dangers we have in all of this is, I don't want your kids to conflate their

spk_0 hatred of school with thinking, oh, I don't like to learn or I don't like to read.

spk_0 It's just a simple, simple fact for many kids.

spk_0 I don't want to read what a teacher assigned me to read.

spk_0 It's not interesting, but I actually happen to love reading just not about that.

spk_0 And I'm not saying any of this is good or bad or right or wrong.

spk_0 It's just reality.

spk_0 And this will repeatedly, daily, provoke your parental anxiety because you love your child,

spk_0 you want the best for them.

spk_0 And it would be so much easier if they were just good at school.

spk_0 And most teachers in society and your relatives will constantly reinforce an assert that

spk_0 school success is necessary for life success.

spk_0 And that is just not true.

spk_0 So let's jump into this and let's look and see why school is not a predictor of life success

spk_0 and why it's not necessary for life success.

spk_0 So number one, I really encourage you to do this and you can even do this with your child

spk_0 at some point.

spk_0 Get a sheet of paper out and draw a line down the middle.

spk_0 On the left hand side, I want you to write down this.

spk_0 What are all of the skills and traits necessary for success in school?

spk_0 And on the right side of that piece of paper, what are the traits and skills necessary for success

spk_0 in life?

spk_0 There will be some overlap, right?

spk_0 Like the ability, like self-discipline, conscientiousness.

spk_0 Those are required in both.

spk_0 But think about this.

spk_0 You make your own list.

spk_0 Success in school is largely based on the ability to sit still, to memorize information.

spk_0 Usually information you're not going to use in life, to take a timed test.

spk_0 We rarely have to do those things in the corporate world and after we graduate.

spk_0 Success in school is based on following directions.

spk_0 Most of your kids, not great at following directions, but really good at problem solving

spk_0 and being leaders.

spk_0 Success in school is based on completing largely arbitrary tasks.

spk_0 For your kids socially, what do we do?

spk_0 We group kids in every grade by their own age.

spk_0 And your kids are not, your kids have something called asyncranist development.

spk_0 They're often really good with little kids, older people, and animals, but not kids

spk_0 their own age.

spk_0 And that will cause them to shut down.

spk_0 Success in school is based on largely writing essays about things that you don't care about.

spk_0 But think about success in life.

spk_0 It's not just sitting still.

spk_0 We want people who are proactive, who do well in a dynamic environment, who have a lot of energy.

spk_0 Memorizing information in school.

spk_0 No, I want critical, I want to hire someone with good critical and thinking skills and strategic

spk_0 thinking skills.

spk_0 Not someone who can just regurgitate information back to me, but who when presented with a problem

spk_0 is able to think through it, assess alternatives, weigh risks, problem solve, and make decisions.

spk_0 See, I don't, I don't have to pay someone a lot of money just to follow directions.

spk_0 Oh, but I will pay them if they're a good thinker and they can make decisions and lead other people.

spk_0 And the world helps or rewards people who can prioritize, who take risks.

spk_0 And your kids, when they get out of school, you have to get along with kids of all ages.

spk_0 And your kids will gravitate towards that mentor.

spk_0 And you don't write things about things about that you don't care about.

spk_0 You choose a career in industry that matches your skills.

spk_0 So the point is this, judging a child's future success by what, by arbitrary standards in school

spk_0 is just not smart to do.

spk_0 It's kind of foolish.

spk_0 And why would we spend all of our time rewarding kids and grading kids on skills that in many ways

spk_0 they will not use later in life?

spk_0 I will throw this out there and it's not a knock on teachers, but know this.

spk_0 Teachers, the people teaching your kids are good people.

spk_0 And there's no but here, but think about what they have done their whole lives.

spk_0 Teachers, many of them that I know, they're wonderful people.

spk_0 When they were kids, they knew they wanted to teach.

spk_0 They would line up dolls after school and they would teach the dolls.

spk_0 And then they went to school for 12 years.

spk_0 And then they went on to college and then they went on to get their master's degree.

spk_0 So guess what they know?

spk_0 Doing well in school has brought me success in life.

spk_0 It's kind of all they've ever known is a classroom for the most part.

spk_0 And your kids are not always great at kids stuff.

spk_0 They're better in the adult world.

spk_0 The kid world is very arbitrary and we're not raising kids to be kids.

spk_0 We're raising our kids to be adults.

spk_0 So here's another objection.

spk_0 Well, if you don't do well in school, if our kids don't do well in school,

spk_0 their path is going to be harder, 100% true.

spk_0 But think about this, since when has your strong will child

spk_0 cared about or chosen the easy path?

spk_0 They don't.

spk_0 If they wanted to be like everybody else and take the normal, safe path,

spk_0 they could do it.

spk_0 They're bright enough to do it and they would do it.

spk_0 But they don't want to.

spk_0 They prefer to learn the hard way by fixing things, by figuring out

spk_0 themselves, by touching the hot stove.

spk_0 I'll ask you this question.

spk_0 Why is harder bad?

spk_0 Why is it bad to do it the harder way?

spk_0 You know this with your kids.

spk_0 They have to reject what you want first before they own it themselves.

spk_0 They will often choose the harsher consequence over just

spk_0 complying and doing something simple for you.

spk_0 Why?

spk_0 They like the challenge.

spk_0 They like doing it a unique way and doing it differently.

spk_0 So yes, it is going to be a harder path for them.

spk_0 But I suspect that will be harder for you than it will be for them

spk_0 because you're going to see them struggle.

spk_0 And you will want to say inside, I told you,

spk_0 you know, if you would just do it the normal way,

spk_0 it would be so much easier.

spk_0 But this isn't about you.

spk_0 It's about them.

spk_0 Now here's another question.

spk_0 Well, if you do well in school, it will open up doors of opportunity.

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spk_0 That is another true statement.

spk_0 But how many of you have kids who don't even use the open door?

spk_0 They don't want to open door. They're going to sneak in through a window.

spk_0 They're going to bust down a door. They're going to come down through the fireplace like Santa

spk_0 Claus. This will make it harder for them. But that's part of the plan. So here's another one.

spk_0 Well, if you don't do well in school, you won't get into the right college or preferred university.

spk_0 And what this tells you though is this, if your kids really cared enough to get into that

spk_0 university, they would study. They would put in the time. But they don't care right now.

spk_0 And I would say as an aside, there is no right college. So I think it's up to us as adults

spk_0 to relieve some of the pressure on our kids because we didn't all have that pressure.

spk_0 We tell, well, if you have to go to this particular college, well, for 95% of people, that is just

spk_0 not true. And the truth is, if they don't go to this preferred college, it may lead them to

spk_0 considering a college that they hadn't even thought of before. And how do we know that that's not

spk_0 the right college? Many of you are going to have kids in their junior year, self sabotage.

spk_0 So just watch that because you're going to be like, hey, you need to sign up for the ACT's,

spk_0 SAT's. They'll say, okay, I'm going to fill out the paperwork and I'm going to fill out my college

spk_0 applications. And then they don't. And what they're afraid to tell you is, I'm not ready yet.

spk_0 I'm not mature enough. I need some time. And so I would take off that pressure. By the way,

spk_0 they probably won't want to go to your alma mater. Why? Because then then they have to compare to

spk_0 you all the time with what you did there. So just watch. For many of our kids, it would be better

spk_0 if they were the bigger fish in a smaller pond than being kind of like the top student in a smaller

spk_0 school versus being kind of a small fish in that big prestigious university. So just think about

spk_0 that a little bit. And I encourage you to tell your kids the truth that it doesn't really matter

spk_0 what college you go to. Yes, some colleges are preferable and some schools you'll make better

spk_0 connections. But you know what, if you go to that different university, you may have to get out

spk_0 and work harder and use your street smarts. And that's a really valuable lesson. Now here's

spk_0 the tough one we get. Well, if you don't get good grades, you're going to miss out on the scholarship.

spk_0 This is very true. And that will make it a lot harder. You know what else it will do? It will force

spk_0 your child to be resourceful. Maybe they have to live at home and they get a job and they go to

spk_0 a community college for a couple years. And you know what would happen? That could lead to them

spk_0 developing new skills and be a valuable life lesson for later. So I get it. These things are

spk_0 going to cause you anxiety. But this is short term. Just because you don't go to the right college,

spk_0 you get a scholarship. Doesn't mean it's going to ruin your life. And it doesn't mean it has anything

spk_0 to do with your future life success or happiness. Now here's a great one. Here are a lot of guys say

spk_0 well, doing well in school, developing good study skills is how you develop self discipline.

spk_0 And again, that is a true statement. But here's the caveat. It's not the only way to develop self

spk_0 discipline. It's just how you did it. And your kids aren't interested in the things that you are.

spk_0 But here's what you're really after. You want your kids to demonstrate persistence to be goal-oriented,

spk_0 to be conscientious. And they do that. They just do it in other areas of life, not school,

spk_0 not with their chores. So don't discount that. And don't walk around saying, well, you develop

spk_0 discipline by doing well in school. Now you can develop self discipline by dance or some learn how

spk_0 to fly airplanes. You can do it by building robots, by skiing. There are all kinds of different

spk_0 ways to do that. I'll encourage you with this. Just got an email from two parents. They said,

spk_0 hey, we are type A parents. We had this plan for our son, how he was going to do school and do

spk_0 everything. And he just didn't do it that way. And we nearly destroyed our relationship with him.

spk_0 He said, we just went through your no BS program. And I encourage you to do that. It's part of the

spk_0 Comparenting Bundle. And the most powerful part of that for us and for our son was when we released

spk_0 to be who he is. We apologized for trying to force him to go down the path we did and that we

spk_0 wanted him to do. And we released him to be who he is and follow his path. And it started to change

spk_0 everything. It's like it released him to do well because it wasn't about us anymore. I love that.

spk_0 Now here's what's going to happen with some of your kids. They're very bright. They will do the

spk_0 bear a minimum just to get by. They will barely scrape by. If they need a 774.2 on an exam just to

spk_0 keep a B average so they can keep their screens. Guess what they're going to get on that test? 74.2.

spk_0 And inside you're going to be like, why would you not apply yourself? You could get all A's if you

spk_0 could because they don't value it. Some of these kids will need a gap year. They'll need to go to

spk_0 community college. And what we're really after here is we have to spark that internal motivation

spk_0 inside of them. And I promise I'm going to do that in the next episode that goes along with this

spk_0 one. So here's kind of the most common worst case scenario that most parents will experience.

spk_0 Your child has never liked school. They will never like school. And at age 15 or 16 they want to

spk_0 drop out and get their GED. And I've seen a lot of kids do this and here's how it works. They get

spk_0 their GED. They go and they work a job because many of your kids are fantastic for other adults.

spk_0 They're just not that great for you. And they're actually very conscientious and disciplined when

spk_0 they work for other people. And along the way working for other people they'll find a mentor

spk_0 and they'll find their path. And they will end up maybe going to community college but finding

spk_0 their path and then they're like, now I know what I want to do. And that is way more preferable

spk_0 than a kid just going just going right to school doesn't know into college doesn't know what he

spk_0 hears she wants to do. And now you've got them on a five or six year plan. Now here's the thing.

spk_0 If your kids do drop out it doesn't mean they get to sit around the home all day playing video games.

spk_0 No you have to have boundaries and rules of course right like it's going to hey you're going to work

spk_0 40 hours a week at least you're going to pay certain expenses and a little bit of rent to us.

spk_0 And what happens with a lot of these kids is they grow up during that time and they discover

spk_0 what their passion is and they end up going to community college and then transfer to a regular

spk_0 university. How many of you know this? If your kids were motivated they could turn it on overnight.

spk_0 Think about this your kids who have never liked school if they decided to tomorrow they could

spk_0 catch up because they're smart enough to do it and they could hyper focus and they could do it

spk_0 the way they want to do it. And also know this so many of our kids are going to struggle early in

spk_0 their adult lives and that's part of the process that they need to go to and you know what they

spk_0 discover is they have street smarts they realize they have to hustle a little harder that they have

spk_0 to learn how to influence people and your kids all those things they've done earlier in life all

spk_0 that arguing with you and I'm going to go through this in the next episode plays out here because

spk_0 you look at them you're like how did you make that happen? How did you figure that out? Because it's

spk_0 foreign to you you may have played by the rules your whole life and done what was expected and taking

spk_0 the normal path but our kids will figure it out. So how can we motivate our strong will kids

spk_0 internally? What should we prioritize? Because I want to prepare them for real life success

spk_0 and impart them with confidence inside. So I want you to really wrestle so we're going to cover

spk_0 that on the next episode for the next few days and probably maybe for the next few years for you

spk_0 wrestle with these ideas that I brought up and consider doing what that family did the noBS

spk_0 program of like hey we're going to release our child to follow their path and I promise when

spk_0 you release them it changes something and it's also being honest to let them know look you can be

spk_0 wildly successful in life and here's are all the different ways you can do that. It will I my

spk_0 heart in this is I want to save you from from day after day after day after day worrying and

spk_0 lecturing and getting on your child and creating all this stress because here's what we're going to

spk_0 get to next time there was a huge opportunity cost all that time that we spent fighting and trying

spk_0 to convince our kids that they need to go down X path guess what we're not doing we're not building

spk_0 their confidence we're not cultivating their natural gifts talents and passions that's what we

spk_0 need to be working on. So moms and dads I'm proud of you this is hard stuff you will have one of

spk_0 these kids and it is hard for them it is hard for you but you're doing the hard work inside.

spk_0 wrestle with this tune in on the next episode and I'll give you a game plan for this if we can

spk_0 help you reach out to Casey see a se y at celebrate calm.com he has lived this himself he knows if you

spk_0 need to help financially with the programs ask him for help will help you out all right love you all

spk_0 talk to you next time bye bye

School Is Not That Important (& What IS Important) #524

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